Transfer Deadline Day: A Hollywood Blockbuster

Jim White off his tits. Probably.

It’s Friday August 31^st, 2012. All around the country people are stirring from their slumber. Mobile phones are buzzing incessantly, social media networks are ablaze. The day has come. Transfer Deadline Day.

Somewhere in London, 12pm

Backstage at a busy TV studio somewhere in London, a grey-haired man is looking into the mirror, adjusting his tie and repeating mantras such as “Sky sources have informed me”, “spotted at the airport”, and “the clock is ticking” over and over again.

A young production assistant knocks on the door and enters the man’s dressing room. “Mr White?” she enquires. 

“Go away, I’m busy” he replies, in a gruff Scottish accent. 

“But Jim, it’s time for your injection”.

“Ah, I see.”

Jim White unbuckles his belt, and removes his trousers to reveal a dappled buttock. The young production assistant inserts a syringe into the Scottish bottom.

“Hmmm, that’s much better” says Mr White.

The Internet, 2pm

After a sluggish start, the social networks kick into life. On Twitter, both ‘Lionel Messi’ and ‘Port Vale’ are trending, but nobody is sure if the two are connected. 

Elsewhere, a user called ‘Cute A$$ 69’ has tweeted that Wayne Rooney has just entered the hairdressing salon in London that she works in, and is convinced he is joining Chelsea. ‘Maybe he’s just getting more fake hair sewn into his scalp?’- the rest of the world replied.

And then it happens. The news that EVERYONE has been waiting for. Marcus Jones had joined Torquay from Burton Albion for an ‘undisclosed’ fee. There it was: the floodgates opening. Questions like ‘who the fuck is Marcus Jones?’, ‘what is an undisclosed fee?’ and ‘is transfer deadline day just an overhyped pile of pap?’ would have to wait. The world watched on with baited breath.

Tits McGhee. I mean Hayley McQueen

 Sky Sports, 4pm

The rumour mill is in overdrive. Jim White – high on a cocktail of adrenaline, crack cocaine and Buckfast – is trying to hold it together, but he’s excited. As excited as the first time he clapped eyes on his future lady wife Yvonne, and slightly more excited than when he saw her naked for the first time.  Jim knows that something massive is about to happen....

Jim White is joined in the studio by Iain Dowie and Tony Cottee, two men who are emotionally unstable at the best of times, but today they really are at their wits end. Dowie is adamant that he passed Cristiano Ronaldo in Keele Services’ branch of Maryland Chicken. 

Jim White flashes him a knowing smile. “He’ll be unveiled at Old Trafford by the end of the day,” he announces to everyone on Planet Earth who is watching Sky Sports News. “It’s for an undisclosed fee”.

Around the Country, 6pm

People all over the country are arriving home from work, and eagerly switching their TV’s on. ‘MARCUS JONES JOINS TORQUAY’ screams the ticker tape on Sky Sports News. The people wait for more information, more gossip, more transfers, more ANYTHING. 

‘Vincent Ballbag signs for Motherwell from Finnish club FC KVYNTP for an undisclosed fee’ sprints across the screen. Now things are getting exciting, the people muse. Very exciting indeed.

Suddenly, the camera cuts to a man in a suit with a microphone outside Tottenham Hotspur’s training ground. He is surrounded by a group of real people in replica shirts and scarves, each of whom looks bored, tired, confused and, to be quite frank, a bit narked. 

“There’s nothing to report here Jim” says the man in the suit, with a look of resignation on his face. “Although we do know that Andre Villas-Boas is in the market for a holding midfield player.” These words prove to be of little comfort to the group gathered, as they begin to talk and chant amongst themselves. One young rascal flicks the V sign at the cameraman. And in that gesture, he captures the mood of a nation.

A Charlotte Jackson Interlude. You're welcome

Sky Sports, 8pm

Something bad has happened to Jim White. He is no longer the calm and assured presence that his fan base knows and loves. All of a sudden, he flings his jacket to the floor, loosens his tie and looks straight down the camera lens. “Ladies and gentleman of Great Britain, please stop whatever you are doing.  I have breaking news. Ryo Miyachi has joined Everton on loan from Arsenal.”

Behind Jim White there is an enormous outpouring of emotion. Is it relief, joy, constipation or a mixture of the three? Nobody is sure. But what they do know is that this is the first Transfer Deadline Day signing that involves two Premier League teams. “This is where the money is made baby!” cries one over-enthusiastic dickhead working in the media. 

Elsewhere, in a tiny council house in the North, a man and wife – who had been bickering all day about this and that – are holding each other, gently weeping. This is the sheer power of the transfer window...

Planet Earth, 10pm

One hour until the window gently blows shut in a light breeze. Everything feels like that bit in a Hollywood blockbuster where something massive looks like it’s about to happen, but then the world is saved so it doesn't really matter anyway. Every footballer on Planet Earth, from Abel Xavier to Zico, is being linked with a transfer to a new club for an undisclosed fee. 

An eyewitness has claimed that he saw Andy Carroll suspended upside down from a Chinook helicopter, which was being piloted by Charlie Adam and co-piloted by that Aussie keeper who never seems to get a game. The eyewitness said they were heading for Birmingham. 

But then it turns out that the eyewitness was just being mischievous when he said that, but because it was Transfer Deadline Day everyone had believed him.

Sky Sports, 11pm

The time of the year that Jim White hated had come around. The end of Transfer Deadline Day. He’d been looking forward to this day for the past eight months, and now – as he sipped from his glass of triple Vodka & Red Bull – it felt like a distant memory.

Jim White became misty-eyed, and raised an imaginary toast. “Until January” he sighed out loud, before climbing into his cryogenic preservation chamber.

Happy Transfer Deadline Day!

Don't forget, for all the latest football betting, banter and opinion, stay tuned to Route One.

The Weekend Preview – Value Bets in the Premier League and Beyond (Part 2)

*All odds courtesy of William Hill and Sporting Bet*

Saturday, August 25 (Kick Off 3PM)

Southampton v Wigan

Southampton will be absolutely buzzing after last Sunday’s encounter with Manchester City. Admittedly, the result wasn’t quite what they were after, but the performance did more than enough to suggest the Saints are going to feel right at home in the big league.

They’ll be looking to open their account at St Mary’s with a win, and standing in their way is a Wigan side that dies little to inspire confidence.  If their main man Victor Moses joins Chelsea in the coming days, then Roberto Martinez’s men will be right up against it.

The Verdict: We really fancy Southampton here, so the 21/20 represents a great addition to an accumulator. And whilst he didn’t start against Citeh, expect Rickie Lambert to get the nod to lead the Saints’ line, and 9/2 for him to be First Goalscorer is unmissable value.

Sunderland v Reading

Sunderland put in a ‘backs to the wall’ performance last time out against Arsenal, and secured a decent point. They’ll need to do better though if they are to see off a resistant Reading side playing their third game of the week, and one that is well marshalled by Brian McDermott.

The Black Cats will probably start with Steven Fletcher, and the Scot is capable of finding the net when given an opportunity. As is Pavel Pogrebnyak, who has already opened his account for the campaign.

The Verdict: This will be a good scrap we reckon. Both Teams to Score is a great shout if you’re working on a Goals Galore coupon (10/11), and what about this: Ian Harte to Score Anytime, 7/1. The lad still hits a mean dead-ball you know.

Tottenham v West Brom

Old Andre Villas-Boas will be hoping that the signing of Emmanuel Adebayor can rejuvenate his Spurs, who frankly looked distinctly average against Newcastle on Sunday. Another week of blending together in AVB’s preferred 4-2-3-1 formation in training should have worked wonders.

West Brom sprung a bit of a shock in turning over Liverpool last weekend, but it has to be said they were good value for it. Steve Clarke has seemingly moulded them into a decent outfit – and with Romelu Lukaku leading the line, they have a real cutting edge in front of goal.

The Verdict: The bookies really don’t fancy West Brom to score first in this one. In fact, Peter Odemwingie is out as long as 9/1 - worth a flutter. And the draw price of 3/1 looks tempting too.

Saturday, August 25 (Kick Off 5:30PM)

Chelsea v Newcastle

Chelsea have got off to a flying start this season, although they were given a bit of a scare by Reading on Wednesday night. One of the components of their lively start has been Eden Hazard, who has assisted in five of his side’s six goals (two of which were penalties).

Newcastle boast the African goalscoring duo of Demba Ba and Papiss Cisse, as well as a revitalised Hatem Ben Arfa. So they are more than capable of troubling the scorer themselves. But stopping the attacking jewels in Chelsea’s crown could be a tough task.

The Verdict: We can certainly see both team’s scoring in this one, so Goals Galore exponents think on. But we’re going to be mischievous and say that Chelsea will win another penalty in this game (11/4), and that it will be converted by Frank Lampard either first (6/1) or anytime (7/4).

The Route One Home Banker Treble

We are backing Middlesbrough (Crystal Palace), Notts County (Walsall) and Morecambe (Port Vale). A £10 stake returns £70.

The Route One Away Day Double

We are backing Cardiff (at Bristol City), and Yeovil (at Scunthorpe). A £10 stake returns £75.

The Battle of Britain: A Footballing History Lesson

In anticipation of tonight’s Europa League encounter between Liverpool and Hearts, we take a look at some of the ties between English and Scottish clubs over the years, which are handily dubbed the ‘Battles of Britain’.

Leeds v Rangers (1992-93, European Cup Second Round)

This is perhaps the best known ‘Battle of Britain’ throughout the ages. Two legs of captivating, end-to-end football, ended with the then Champions of Scotland dumping the best team in England out of the most prestigious club competition in Europe.

In the first leg, an early Gary McAllister strike for Leeds was cancelled out by a John Lukic own goal and a trademark finish from Ally McCoist. And in the return fixture at Elland Road, Mark Hateley and McCoist again scored to ensure that Rangers could proudly call themselves ‘the Best Team in Britain’. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

This documentary behind the famous tie is fascinating.

Result: Rangers win 4-1 on aggregate

Celtic v Liverpool (2003, UEFA Cup Quarter Final)

The seeds were sown for an absolute classic about two minutes before kick off in the first leg here. Celtic Park was packed to the rafters, and what followed was perhaps the most spine-tingling rendition of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ that you will ever here.

The atmosphere was electric, and when Henrik Larsson gave Celtic the lead inside two minutes there was a more powerful eruption than anything that pussy Mount Etna could produce. Prolific marksman Emile Heskey later equalised for the Reds, to set up an intriguing second leg at Anfield.

After another powerful performance of YNWA, the scene was set. Unfortunately, the Bhoys hadn’t read the script, and triumphed 2-0 with goals from Alan Thompson and John Hartson. They went on to the Final, eventually losing to Jose Mourinho’s Porto.

Here’s THAT Celtic Park version of You’ll Never Walk Alone, with backing vocals from Gerry Marsden himself.

  

Result: Celtic win 3-1 on aggregate

Celtic v Leeds (1969-70, European Cup Semi Final)

 

This one may be going back a few years, but this is perhaps the most prestigious tie between two British sides. In what was the equivalent of the Champions League Semi Final, Celtic were aiming to book their place in a second European Cup final in three years.

A goal from George Connelly gave the Bhoys a 1-0 first leg win at Elland Road, and then over 130,000 people(!) crammed into Hampden Park to see strikes from John Hughes and Bobby Murdoch set up a final with Feyenoord. Which they duly lost.

Result: Celtic win 3-1 on aggregate

And so, tonight....

 

Although that was a hand-picked selection of three, you can see that Scottish sides have a good record against their English counterparts.  Hearts though are really up against it tonight, and having been beaten 5-0 by Spurs at the same stage of the tournament last season, must fear the worst.

Liverpool are set to name a side made up of fringe players, many of whom will be hungry to put themselves in the shop window for a regular first-team berth, including Charlie Adam, Andy Carroll and young Raheem Sterling.

The Verdict:  We expect Liverpool to win, and to win well. This is why we are taking the Reds for a '-2 Goal Handicap Win' (9/2), courtesy of Sporting Bet.

And Anglo-Scottish contests are generally feisty affairs too, so the 15/4 offered by William Hill for more than three Hearts players to get booked is very tasty value indeed.

Remember, for all of your football betting, opinion and news, stay tuned to Route One.