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| Jim White off his tits. Probably. |
It’s Friday August 31st, 2012. All around the
country people are stirring from their slumber. Mobile phones are buzzing
incessantly, social media networks are ablaze. The day has come. Transfer
Deadline Day.
Somewhere in London, 12pm
Backstage at a busy TV studio somewhere in London, a
grey-haired man is looking into the mirror, adjusting his tie and repeating
mantras such as “Sky sources have informed me”, “spotted at the airport”, and “the
clock is ticking” over and over again.
A young production assistant knocks on the door and enters
the man’s dressing room. “Mr White?” she enquires.
“Go away, I’m busy” he replies, in a gruff Scottish accent.
“But Jim, it’s time for your injection”.
“Ah, I see.”
Jim White unbuckles his belt, and removes his trousers to
reveal a dappled buttock. The young production assistant inserts a syringe into
the Scottish bottom.
“Hmmm, that’s much better” says Mr White.
The Internet, 2pm
After a sluggish start, the social networks kick into life.
On Twitter, both ‘Lionel Messi’ and ‘Port Vale’ are trending, but nobody is
sure if the two are connected.
Elsewhere, a user called ‘Cute A$$ 69’ has tweeted that
Wayne Rooney has just entered the hairdressing salon in London that she works
in, and is convinced he is joining Chelsea. ‘Maybe he’s just getting more fake
hair sewn into his scalp?’- the rest of the world replied.
And then it happens. The news that EVERYONE has been waiting
for. Marcus Jones had joined Torquay from Burton Albion for an ‘undisclosed’
fee. There it was: the floodgates opening. Questions like ‘who the fuck is
Marcus Jones?’, ‘what is an undisclosed fee?’ and ‘is transfer deadline day
just an overhyped pile of pap?’ would have to wait. The world watched on with
baited breath.
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| Tits McGhee. I mean Hayley McQueen |
Sky Sports, 4pm
The rumour mill is in overdrive. Jim White – high on a
cocktail of adrenaline, crack cocaine and Buckfast – is trying to hold it
together, but he’s excited. As excited as the first time he clapped eyes on his
future lady wife Yvonne, and slightly more excited than when he saw her naked
for the first time. Jim knows that something
massive is about to happen....
Jim White is joined in the studio by Iain Dowie and Tony
Cottee, two men who are emotionally unstable at the best of times, but today
they really are at their wits end. Dowie is adamant that he passed Cristiano
Ronaldo in Keele Services’ branch of Maryland Chicken.
Jim White flashes him a
knowing smile. “He’ll be unveiled at Old Trafford by the end of the day,” he
announces to everyone on Planet Earth who is watching Sky Sports News. “It’s
for an undisclosed fee”.
Around the Country, 6pm
People all over the country are arriving home from work, and
eagerly switching their TV’s on. ‘MARCUS JONES JOINS TORQUAY’ screams the
ticker tape on Sky Sports News. The people wait for more information, more
gossip, more transfers, more ANYTHING.
‘Vincent Ballbag signs for Motherwell from Finnish club FC
KVYNTP for an undisclosed fee’ sprints across the screen. Now things are getting
exciting, the people muse. Very exciting indeed.
Suddenly, the camera cuts to a man in a suit with a
microphone outside Tottenham Hotspur’s training ground. He is surrounded by a
group of real people in replica shirts and scarves, each of whom looks bored, tired, confused
and, to be quite frank, a bit narked.
“There’s nothing to report here Jim” says the man in the
suit, with a look of resignation on his face. “Although we do know that Andre
Villas-Boas is in the market for a holding midfield player.” These words prove
to be of little comfort to the group gathered, as they begin to talk and chant amongst
themselves. One young rascal flicks the V sign at the cameraman. And in that
gesture, he captures the mood of a nation.
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| A Charlotte Jackson Interlude. You're welcome |
Sky Sports, 8pm
Something bad has happened to Jim White. He is no longer the
calm and assured presence that his fan base knows and loves. All of a sudden,
he flings his jacket to the floor, loosens his tie and looks straight down the
camera lens. “Ladies and gentleman of Great Britain, please stop whatever you
are doing. I have breaking news. Ryo Miyachi has joined Everton on loan from Arsenal.”
Behind Jim White there is an enormous outpouring of emotion.
Is it relief, joy, constipation or a mixture of the three? Nobody is sure. But
what they do know is that this is the first Transfer Deadline Day signing that
involves two Premier League teams. “This is where the money is made baby!” cries
one over-enthusiastic dickhead working in the media.
Elsewhere, in a tiny
council house in the North, a man and wife – who had been bickering all day
about this and that – are holding each other, gently weeping. This is the sheer power of the transfer window...
Planet Earth, 10pm
One hour until the window gently blows shut in a light breeze. Everything feels like that bit in a Hollywood blockbuster where something massive looks
like it’s about to happen, but then the world is saved so it doesn't really matter anyway. Every footballer on Planet Earth, from Abel Xavier
to Zico, is being linked with a transfer to a new club for an undisclosed fee.
An eyewitness has claimed that he saw Andy Carroll suspended upside
down from a Chinook helicopter, which was being piloted by Charlie Adam and
co-piloted by that Aussie keeper who never seems to get a game. The eyewitness
said they were heading for Birmingham.
But then it turns out that the
eyewitness was just being mischievous when he said that, but because it was
Transfer Deadline Day everyone had believed him.
Sky Sports, 11pm
The time of the year that Jim White hated had come around.
The end of Transfer Deadline Day. He’d been looking forward to this day for the
past eight months, and now – as he sipped from his glass of triple Vodka &
Red Bull – it felt like a distant memory.
Jim White became misty-eyed, and raised an imaginary toast. “Until
January” he sighed out loud, before climbing into his cryogenic preservation chamber.
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| Happy Transfer Deadline Day! |
